We just had World Suicide Prevention Day. In honor of that, I wanted to write something.
I thought of killing myself.
I didn’t plan it, but I was at least contemplating it in the abstract.
I was feeling trapped in a life that had so many things out of my control. I was running out of money. I didn’t feel like I was measuring up to how I saw myself. I wasn’t hitting my most important goals, and for the first time, I was unsure if I ever would.
I found myself wanting to stay in bed longer each day. I blanked out from reality. I just numbed myself going to my phone for 13 hours straight.
On a 0-10 emotional scale, I was progressively dipping to 6, then to 5, then 4, then to 3, and not bouncing back. And I was pissed at myself. Why was I procrastinating so much? Why wasn’t I doing what I know I “should” be doing?
Normally, people know me as a happy, action-oriented go-getter. Now I wasn’t. I was stuck. I was suffocating. I was lost. I didn’t know how to get out of the downward spiral. What the fuck was wrong with me?! All I did know was this: I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. So, what if ending it made it all go away?
Now if you’re someone who follows me regularly, you might be thinking, who am I talking about? Certainly, I’m not really talking about myself. After all, “Calvin is not that way.”
But yes, I am. This was me in May this year. Simply put, I was not okay.
Then I did something that I’m glad I did—I texted the Suicide Prevention number. It was something I least felt like doing in that moment, but I figured it was better to do now vs later.
I didn’t write this post to scare anyone. I’m not going to sit here and tell you to “look on the bright side,” or “this storm will pass.” Because honestly, when I was in that spot I would have just assumed that the person telling me that didn’t know what the fuck they were taking about.
Instead, I’m writing for two reasons:
Number 1, this is for someone who looks up to me, and also has bad days. I want that person to know that even people we look up to are not always okay—and that’s okay.
And number 2, also to that person, if you’re feeling down, even if you’re not sure it will help, tell someone. Anyone.
Now that I’m progressing to the other side, I can say that life feels more meaningful. The pain feels like it has a purpose. I’d love to see you on that other side. So here’s to getting through, and winning the battle to fight another day. 👊💥
-Calvin Wayman